Ha ha! After weeks of scheming, I have finally put my plan, Operation Get This Thing Out of Here, into affect. Beginning slowly over time, I have added to Mom’s and Dad’s pressures by acting out in a slew of ways that I know irritate them. I present to you, my millions of adoring readers, the evidence.
- First, I began by positioning myself atop Mom’s beloved white desk (which they’ve made clear they don’t want me on), just in time for her to walk around the corner and see me atop it. Never fear, dear readers. I jumped off before she could do anything but exclaim, “Zoey! No!” Irritation accomplished. Is the skin on your arms prickling with anticipation? I know, mine too.
- Next, I began taking Mom’s jewelry off her chest-of-drawers and depositing it around the bedroom. Ha ha!
- I have keenly sabotaged Mom’s attempts at photography this week. (See above.)
- I brazenly jumped atop the entertainment center last night, right next to Dad’s beloved flat-screen television, during the NBA game, and just looked at them as they beheld my bravado with sheer shock. (Readers, at this point I’m aware that you may be needing an e-mail address to send your fan mail to. It is in the works as we speak. Expect an update soon.)
- And finally, the coup de grâce. I have never in my four years of living with my parents ever attempted to jump atop the kitchen counters. My parental units have lived until now with the belief that I was either a) too lazy to jump that high (the obvious insult is being ignored), or b) too lazy to jump that high. Well, I didn’t want to do it, readers, but I have finally shattered this dream, ney, fantasy of theirs. Over the course of this week, they have continually awoken in the morning to find items that were previous on the counter miraculously relocated to the floor.
I promise you, this thing is as good as gone. Give me two more weeks, and I swear I will have Mom so befuddled she’ll have no other course of action but to ship the thing back from wence it came.